The last time I wrote to this blog, it was at a different URL. Since that time, I moved to Minneapolis Minnesota, lived there for a year and a half, and then pulled up stakes again and moved to my hometown, Boise Idaho. I’ve adopted 2 cats, lived in 2 different apartments, and traveled to 6 different countries (Scotland, Holland, Canada, the Bahamas, Haiti, and in the USA). I’m going to turn 30 years old this year.
In Minnesota I was nearly always alone. I got to revel in my independence and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Mom visited for a couple months and I had other friends around, but for the bulk of that time I got to be selfish. It was nice, if a little isolated. I won’t say lonely because I wasn’t lonely, just alone. I like spending time with myself.
In Idaho, I’m almost never alone. There’s always something to do, someone to see, somewhere to go. I’m not sure how much I really like it, but I am grateful that moving here has enabled me to spend time with my Aunt Reola and Uncle Bruce, and see my Grandma Rene and Grandpa Jim on a weekly basis. I’ve also been able to spend time with my Grandpa Larry and Grandma Pam more frequently than I saw them before. Since I moved here in September of 2019, I’ve had visits from Jamie, Casey, my friends Micah and Nicole (who passed through on their move to Missouri), as well as my parents. I’ve never been in the thick, so to speak, of my family for such an extended amount of time before. If I’m honest, it’s overwhelming. I feel such a pull and obligation to be there for my family that I feel guilty for doing anything else. This isn’t a rational emotion, and it’s not one that my family has given me. I just simply haven’t figured out how to deal with those emotions yet. For me, the social do-si-do of visiting with people I have rarely seen throughout my life takes a lot out of me, despite the fact that I enjoy having the opportunity to do it. The people I know best cause the least amount of anxiety, but I feel as though my family has a filtered view of me because of the limited contact we’ve had with each other throughout my life. In a lot of cases, I get the sense that I’m still 5 years old to them, rather than a grown 29 year old woman with my own flaws and strong opinions about things. Of course, I’ve also always kept certain opinions to myself, because why rock the boat? I am a liberal person. I am not a religious person. I am the most non-spiritual person I know. However, I never state those opinions to my family because most of them are conservative believers in a higher power and I never wanted a lecture or the disapproval that may follow me sharing my opinions. So, some of my anxiety is the pressure I put on myself to be the person they think I am – regardless of how inaccurate that impression is.
I plan to stay here because it’s where I’m from, where my roots are. I plan to grow enough as a person to not be an anxious mess with the obligations I’m placing on myself to be the person I think my family sees me as. I plan to stay here so I can put down professional roots and rebuild a client base here like I had in Portland. I also plan to be a Certified Feline Master Groomer if I can ever get off my procrastinating butt and start taking the tests.
I also recreated this website on a new URL, and created a professional website so that I have somewhere to put my thoughts, personal and professional. I have no idea if they’ll stay active, and if I had to take a guess, it would be that they won’t. But for now, they’re here and shiny.